Reboot-A-Palooza

Everybody loves superhero TV shows these days. You’ve got Arrow and maybe The Flash on the CW, Agents of Shield on ABC and soon the Marvel Universe moves onto Netflix. So NBC thought to them selves “Hey, we were ahead of the curve on this whole superhero thing. Why don’t we dust off that old Heroes show and get a piece of this nerd audience?”

First off, Heroes was a piece of garbage, it just was. The Cape was better; if anybody remembers that, why not redo that one. So of course the Internet has exploded. Everywhere you turn people are whining about rebooting Heroes and not Firefly or something else they deem more deserving. Of course, now lists of shows that should be redone are popping up everywhere. Not to be outdone, I’ll jump onboard the hack express and give you my own list of shows that deserve the Lazarus treatment. I’m sure this list will look a little different than most though.

10. Small Wonder: This wouldn’t be a reboot, but a continuation of Vicki and her brother as she attempts to adjust in an ever-changing modern world, despite still being a little girl robot. With her parents now dead, it’s just Vicki and her odd, now adult brother. He has become a serial killer and uses Vicki to aid in luring in his victims. This version is just a little bit darker than the original. Hilarity ensues.

9. B.J. and the Bear: The story of a crime fighting long haul trucker and his chimp sidekick, this will be a reboot as B.J. travels the roads of a devastated U.S. after an inevitable nuclear holocaust has destroyed the country. B.J. and the Bear will bring much needed supplies to survivors, battle mutants and find love and laughs along the irradiated highways of America. Hilarity will ensue.

8. Street Hawk: If you want a superhero show NBC, buy the rights to this from ABC. Just a man fighting crime on his tricked out super motorcycle. He rides through the darkness to save YOU from the mindless violence of the city. Hilarity ensues.

7. Dukes of Hazzard: A continuation of sorts, Bo and Luke return to Hazzard County after a successful run in NASCAR. Ready to settle back into the simple country life, they are shocked to find Hazard has become a cesspool of drugs, prostitution and crime. Their “cousins” Coy and Vance have assumed control of Hazzard and rule with iron fists. Daisy is now a prostitute, Uncle Jessie is dead and Cooter works in the Wal-Mart automotive department. The series will follow Bo and Luke as they attempt to wrest control of Hazzard away from Coy and Vance. Hilarity ensues. (All credit to Brian Cousins for this one.)

6. Carnivale: Holy fuck HBO, how about you finish the show. You cancelled it after a cliffhanger and didn’t even let them make a movie to wrap it up. Keep running True Blood into the ground, but don’t bring any closure to Carnivale! How about you give ANOTHER show to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant! Rant over, hilarity ensues.

5. Firefly: Okay, I might as well put this one on here. Firefly was a fun show that FOX gave ZERO chance too. They didn’t even bother to show it in the correct order. Nathan Fillion is ratings gold (see Castle) and yet he couldn’t save the day. Friday night is well known to be the spot that FOX puts shows to die. I wish they would move DADS into that spot. Somehow, Seth McFarlane’s show DADS is still on the air. It has to be the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Oh well. Let the hilarity ensue.

4. Sledge Hammer: This show’s run ended with a nuclear bomb detonating and destroying everything. The obvious next season would have followed Sledge as he brought hilarious order back to the city. For a half hour sitcom, ABC would’ve been way ahead of the creative curve if they had kept this series going. You would have had tons of jokes about radiation sickness and birth defects. The hilarity would ensue.

3. ALF: That crazy alien from Melmac is back and this time he’s a surgeon. Through a crazy series of events, ALF finds himself being named head surgeon of a metropolitan hospital. What kind of shenanigans will occur as ALF tries to keep his identity as an alien secret and keep people alive? Hilarity ensues.

2. T.J. Hooker: First, we clone Bill Shatner, accelerate his growth in a tube and fill him with all accumulated Shatner knowledge. Next, we find Adrian Zmed, wherever he is, and bring him back as an older Vince Romano. This time he’s the older officer, breaking in the “cloned” rookie T.J. Hooker. We would play off Romano’s wariness of working with a cloned partner. He’d say things like “You’ll never match up to the real Hooker” and “Somewhere, Hooker’s rolling over in his grave.” Of course the real William Shatner will be cast as the original, now having gone insane from so much pent up anger and intensity. He will be the show’s main bad guy. Hilarity will ensue.

1. Manimal: He's a guy that turns into animals and solves crimes. This show writes itself. Hilarity ensues.

1.