Phantasm V: Ravager

Phantasm V: Ravager is actually a reality. Does the world need another Phantasm film, probably not, but I'm going to watch it. When Phantasm premiered in 1979, it was a weird, creepy, indy horror movie that earned a much deserved following. I used to catch Phantasm, late night on Creature Feature hosted by Count Gore De Vol. If you grew up in and around Washington D.C. you know all about Creature Feature. By the time I got to junior high school, I had gathered a motley crew of pals that lived for horror movies and read Fangoria and Gore Zone religiously. So it was with much anticipation that we greeted Phantasm 2. It was an important moment in our young lives when Reggie Bannister put two shotguns together, cut the barrels, and blasted the evil little jawa's the Tall Man unleashed. While the first two installments are probably the best of the series, the rest of the installments are important to fill out the mythology of the Tall Man. The trailer for part five looks as crazy as ever. Reggie is still there, ready to kick major weirdo ass as usual. So, for your viewing pleasure, Phantasm V: Ravager:

Heroes in a Half-Shell, Turtle Power?

This doesn't look good. It can't possibly be anything but shit with Michael Bay attached. But I liked the body builder, Marky Mark movie, so maybe he can do something with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? You decide:

The Iron Sheik

The Iron Sheik is amazing. His life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. He made Hulk Hogan the hero that took over wrestling. He has perhaps the greatest Twitter account out there (@the_ironsheik). And now a documentary about his life is on the horizon. Make sure you find it and watch it!

Jem: The Movie and Step Up 5 are on the way. Yikes!!

So these are happening, Jem: The Movie and Step Up: All In. Since I love bad movies I'll probably see them both sooner or later. Jem is going to be directed by the guy that made the G.I. Joe sequel and Step Up 2 & 3. And then there's Step Up 5. Really five of these movies! This dreck gets made and it takes a huge fan outpouring to make a sequel to Dredd? Madness!

Get Hyped for "The Hype Man" Mojo Rawley

The WWE Network is up and running, and it's awesome. The best part is NXT, WWE's attempt to create a minor league wrestling territory. Having destroyed the territory system of the past, it has been difficult for the WWE to create new stars. NXT is their attempt to develop young talent and give them a chance to work and develop in front of the camera. The show is much faster paced then any of the other WWE television. Not a lot of talk and a lot of action.

I really enjoy "The Hype Man" Mojo Rawley. His gimmick is a high intensity, over achieving type of guy. So when he came out to the ring and was introduced from Alexandria, Virginia, I did a spit take. "The Hype Man" is from my hometown? Not only that, but he's a former football star from my high school, T.C. Williams! Awesome! So now I'm an even bigger Mojo Rawley fan. I've yet to see him lose, so hopefully he'll be wearing championship gold in the near future.

NXT is filled with tons of talent and each show is really entertaining. It really captures more of the old NWA rasslin' feel than today's "sports entertainment" WWE. I like both, but it's nice to see a more traditional option available. Hopefully the WWE let's NXT find it's way and doesn't mess with it too much. If you haven't taken a look at the WWE Network, you're really missing out on some fun entertainment.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier was really good!

Hi ya folks! Long time no post. Last night I got to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Even though I was sitting in the second row of a packed theater and most of the action scenes were a blur, I feel like I can tell you that this was a great movie. Tons of action, lots of surprises for keen eared Marvel nerds and a good story. I couldn't have asked for a more appreciative nerd audience, as there was lots of applauding and hooting and hollering. The girl sitting next to me was rocking back and forth feverishly during all of the action sequences and laughing maniacally. Of course, stay through the credits, there are two extra scenes that sent my nerd compatriots into hysterics. The theater that hosted the screening seemed to be overwhelmed by the turnout and man was there a turnout. I'm not sure if everybody that was there got in, but I did, so that's all the matters. When the movie started, the curtains hadn't been drawn all the way back, so that was awkward. Then, at the end, as we waited for the final scene at the end of the credits, the house lights were on, obscuring most of the scene. Nerds almost rioted! I'm tempted to write a real review, but I don't want to spoil anything. All I'll say is we need more Batroc the Leaper and magic is on the way! Everybody can see Captain America: The Winter Soldier on April 4th>

Happy St. Patrick's Day - Death to Snow!

Happy St. Patrick's Day people! If you live in the D.C. metro area like me, you're suffering through another snow storm. When I say snow storm, I mean eight inches of snow. Yes, we can't handle our snow, so what! Anyway, if you're stuck in the house, here are some top notch entertainment options for a snowy St. Patrick's Day:

Darby O'Gill and the Little People:

See James Bond sing and help an old drunk catch the leprechaun king and steal his gold!

The Leprechaun Series:

All of these are tremendous. Whether it's classic Leprechaun, in space or in the hood, these are all ridiculous and funny.

Grabbers:

On an island off the coast of Ireland, monsters are lurking in the darkness, ready to feed. The only way to protect yourself is to get hammered. That's right, everybody to the pub, we have to drink to live! This movie is more comedy than horror, so grab a pint and drink to survive!

Hip Show-Arena Combat: Future Sport?

On the heels of my post about future sports, I found this crazy Russian gameshow premiering soon in the US. It's called Hip Show-Arena Combat and it's scheduled to air on AXS TV, whatever that is. Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks NBA franchise, found this show, which originates from Russia. You know Russia, home of all things intense. Anyway,this show is a mix of American Gladiators and Mixed Martial Arts. This reminds me of something you would find in an '80's action film. It would take place in a rundown warehouse on the edge of town.

Jean Claude Van Damme would have to enter this secret tournament, so he could raise money to buy feet for child victims of land mines in Serbia.

Somewhere, shrouded in darkness, the mastermind Joe Don Baker, smokes a cigar, laughing sinisterly.

















It looks like a cluster fuck of activity, as two teams of two chase each other around on a multi-level obstacle course and then of course they fight. I'm interested, but at the same time weirded out by this show. I'm not sure it's the future of sports, because it just seems too crazy. Check it out:

Colt Cabana is Awesome

I like pro wrestling. And I like comedy. Therefore I love Colt Cabana, in a manly sort of way of course. If you don't know who Colt Cabana is, then shame on you! He's a wrestler, a podcaster (The Art of Wrestling http://www.coltcabana.com), he's a comedian, he's a commentator ($5 Wrestling http://www.highspots.com/c/5-Dollar-Wrestling-VOD.html), and he's funny. And now, he's a commercial star. Check out the many faces of Cabana below:

The Wrestler

The Podcaster/Comedian

The Commentator

The Commercial Star

If you enjoy humor and/or fun, you should check out Colt Cabana, Renaissance Man (@ColtCabana on the twitter and Colt Cabana on Facebook)

Just Say No to Zombeavers!!

And now we have Zombeavers. I think this will finally end the nonstop string of zombie movies that every tom, dick and harry are making these days. I think everything has been zombified at this point and it's time to move on to some other genre. I blame the SyFy Network and their endless hours of programming to fill. I'm probably wrong though, because people will think that Zombeavers is clever and make it a hit like that ridiculous Sharknado. How about you leave Zombeavers and Sharknado alone and watch some good horror movies. Here are a few suggestions to think about:

The Exorcist 3: An under appreciated movie, if it wasn't an Exorcist sequel it would have been received better. I love George C. Scott, and he chews up all of the scenery as he tries to figure out the strange ritualistic murders plaguing Georgetown. This features the single scariest scene I've ever seen in a movie. It really is frightening.

Event Horizon: Once upon a time I told a bunch of people to go and check this out. They were not happy with me. But I think history has proven me correct in my endorsement. Now, this isn't Shakespeare. It's a space ship that goes through a black hole, passes through Hell and comes back possessed. It's gory and atmospheric. Lawrence Fishburn and Sam Neil are solid, so it's got that going for it. I'm sure I will catch some shit for suggesting this, but I like it, so try it out.

Slither: I really like James Gunn and his movies. He's got the big Marvel extravaganza Guardians of the Galaxy coming this summer. Before he got the reins to a comic book movie, he made this fun monster, zombie, comedy-action mashup. Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks and Michael Rooker star and it does a good job of going from laughs to gore. It's a cool movie that got overlooked for some reason.

So give these a chance before you waste any time on lazy shit like Sharknado or Zombeavers.

Future Sports, Sports of the Future

Jonathan! Jonathan! Jonathan!

Does anybody remember Slamball? For some reason I decided to look it up on YouTube today. I was ready to trash an already dead sport, but then I was transfixed by the only court based sport so far to incorporate trampolines. It got me wondering, where are all of the future sports that Hollywood has promised us? Where is Rollerball and Jugger and the weird game from Battlestar Galactica. How come we still have hockey, baseball, basketball and football? Where are the digital and computer upgrades. Why isn't Mutant League Football a real thing? Nobody cares if a mutant gets a concussion. Sure, the players are ripped limb from limb, blown up and murdered, but it's all a part of the game. All I'm saying is that the sports world needs to up their game. Let's get back to Robot Wars and Slamball. Let's think outside of the box. Let's talk lasers, artificial intelligence, anti-gravity games, jet packs, motorcycles, dog skulls. Come on sports masterminds, let's get cracking!

The great James Caan gives you the future of sports!

I'll use any excuse to post this:

Time for this to hit the big time!

If I could get my hands on this game again, I would never stop playing it!

Durian Chug 2014

Good news gang! The Adventures of Steve0 has received it's first sponsor. Team Tard has decided to sponsor my quest to try a Durian Shake. For those of you that don't know what Durian is, it's a stinky fruit from southeast Asia.

It's so smelly, that it's banned in a lot of public places in southeast Asia. Not only does it reek, it's also spiky, which makes harvesting it a little dicey. So it's this sewage smelling fruit that I will attempt to ingest in shake form. Rest assured that this horror show will be documented and shared with my loyal readers.

This message sponsored by:

Washington Redskins: Off-Season Champs 2014?

Today at 4:00pm, National Football League teams will be able to sign unrestricted free agents to contracts. Since Daniel Snyder has owned the Washington Redskins, they have tried to dominate the off season with huge signings, hoping to turn things around for the team. Unfortunately, the title "Off- Season Champs" usually earns the Skins very little in the regular season. But hope springs eternal and for Redskins fans like myself today is like Christmas morning.

Good Times! Jim Zorn and Albert Haynesworth, the future looks bright!

What will we find under the tree?

Unlike most sports people, I don't waste my time looking at what the Redskins need. No sir, General Manager Steve0 looks at wants. And what we want are big names. If they have a high rating in Madden, I would sign them up. If they've made the pro bowl, we sign them. So below are some of my concrete theories on this year's crop of Redskins free agents. Enjoy!

Champ Bailey, Cornerback: The Redskins drafted him in 1999, he has a brother named Boss, he's old, SIGN HIM!

Carlos Rodgers, Cornerback: The Redskins drafted him in 2005, he can't catch, we shouldn't have ever let him go, SIGN HIM!

Darrelle Revis, Cornerback: He used to live on Revis Island, now it's more like Revis Peninsula, had a 97 rating in Madden 25, SIGN HIM!

Jared Allen, Defensive End: He's old, he was in Jackass 3-D, he has a mullet, SIGN HIM!

Darren McFadden, Running Back: He's brittle, but fast, a big disappointment so far, SIGN HIM!

The saddest part of this year's free agency period is when we have to say goodbye to some of our favorites as they move on to greener pastures and/or obscurity. So today we remember:

Rex Grossman, QB: Stability in rough seas, I hope you find a starting job where you can throw four interceptions for every three touchdowns.

Sav Rocca, Punter: Your reputation as an Australian Rules veteran earned you much respect. Your punts that went fifteen yards earned you much hate. Happy trails.

If I can be serious ladies and gentlemen, the Redskins have actually shown a lot of restraint recently, so maybe they won't go crazy, but we still remember fondly the days of collecting old veterans as if it were a fantasy football team.

L.A. Kiss: Why?

I like Arena Football. It's a fun, distraction before the NFL returns. One of the best sports experiences I ever had was watching "The Calm Before the Storm" in Tampa. Arena Football has never been shy about experimenting with uniforms either. In the nineties, they were the ones that made every team incorporate Zubaz into their uniforms. So, now the ultra-Capatilists, KISS, that's right the band KISS, have their own team. Playing out of Los Angeles, L.A. Kiss unveiled their new uniforms yesterday. The word "yuck" just doesn't quite sum it up. Look at these monstrosities:

What a mess!

You can see these uniforms in action as the L.A. Kiss take on the Portland Thunder on April 5th on the CBS SportsNetwork. Hopefully, seeing these in high definition doesn't make your eyes bleed.

Somewhere Ace Frehley and Peter Criss are laughing and happy they're not along for this.

True Detective: An Unexpected Happy Ending -A little bit of a Spoiler-

So True Detective got me. I was expecting the worst and they delivered an unexpectedly upbeat ending. The boys were able to slay the monster. Sure they didn't bring down the larger cabal of creeps, but they were able to bring closure to their all consuming quest for a killer. I was convinced the show would end with either Rust Cohle or Marty Hart, or both dead as doornails. Knowing neither would be back for season two, it seemed reasonable to expect the characters deaths. Luckily, Nic Pizzolatto must subscribe to Sam Raimi's rules of horror, because he hit them all.

1. The innocent must suffer.
2. The guilty must be punished.
3. You must taste blood to be a man.

The innocent were certainly punished during the season (who didn't feel bad for the dog). Cohle and Hart both tasted blood. You might argue that only some of the evil was punished, but I feel like they got enough of them to make a dent. The most surprising thing that occurred was the transformation of  Rust and Marty's relationship. Estranged for years, the two come back together, realize neither has anything resembling a life and by solving the Dora Lange case, find a friendship. My biggest question during the episode was what would Cohle do with himself if he survived the whole thing. He seemed unsure in the hospital what could be next for him. Marty Hart seemed to be a little more sure of what was next, taking charge of his new/old buddy, the two limping off into the future. The first shot of the series was Hart carrying Rust through the darkness, the last shot was the same only with the two of them in the light. An oddly (and refreshingly) optimistic ending for a show draped in darkness.

Lighthouse Tofu: The Food Adventure Continues

My adventures with food continues, as I head to Lighthouse Tofu and try some of Korea's finest cuisine. Unlike my trip eating Bahn Mi, Korean food doesn't have a sandwich option, at least not at Lighthouse Tofu. To set the scene, my fiancé, myself and two of her out of town friends sauntered into this eatery in Annandale, three of the four very excited. Can you guess which one was a little leery? Lighthouse Tofu is kind of a hole in the wall. If you weren't looking for it, you'd probably go right by it. We were greeted warmly and seated. I looked over the menu, they seemed to have the same info on both sides. I had prepared myself for the meal by doing some pre game research. While most of the meals were unusual to me I honed in on one thing that I knew would work, Korean Short Ribs. We placed our orders and my pals happily rubbed their bellies in anticipation. They happily slurped down the free tea and chatted. I sat and waited, hoping I wouldn't look like a foreign food scaredy cat. Then the food started to come out. Plate after plate of pickled vegetables came to the table. Soon, the table was covered in tons of alien looking food that I wasn't about to try. 

Why? Because I might die instantly upon consumption. I realize it's ridiculous, but I'm a very important person and I can't take any chances. Anyway, my friends enjoyed all of the Korean delights and happily powered everything down. Then the main dishes arrived, well except for me, but I'll get to that. Three bubbling cauldrons of "stuff" came out, and was placed in front of each of my open minded friends. 

They dove in and started to enjoy the deliciousness. I sat there, like the asshole I am, head in hands, waiting for my food. This was maybe the worst first impression you can make as an eater. My fiancee Sarah knew my pickiness, but her friends that I was meeting for the first time, were unaware. So there I sat as everyone enjoyed their dinners. Where were my ribs? Was this some kind of Korean plot to make me look silly? Could they tell I was out of my element and they were laughing at me from the kitchen? So many questions. Finally, my ribs came out. And they were good, I mean really good. Worth the wait and looking like an ugly American asshole good. 

I don't know about the pickled veggies and the cauldron of tofu and the other stuff, but my ribs were awesome! So there you have it, put it on the board. I have mastered Korean cuisine. What's next, Afghan or Ethiopian? Who knows, but I will master all of the worlds cuisines, or at least find one thing on the menu as close to the garbage I enjoy and hold onto that. Bon Appetite!

Parenting Helpers from Steve0 Industries

So you have a new baby, but not a lot of space. Well, here's an invention from the past I think will really come in handy. New from Steve0 Industries, The Dynamic Baby Cage!!

That's right the Baby Cage, because babies need fresh air too. As you can see, little Johnny is completely protected and free to enjoy time on his on, away from mom, who better get the cooking and cleaning done before dad gets home.


Reserve your baby cage now, and for just a bit extra, we'll reenforce your baby cage for the toddler that's little heftier than most.








For only $99.99, you can put your baby outside your window, in a cage, and be reassured they will be safe and sound and away from you. We're able to put a cost on piece of mind, and the Dynamic Baby Cage provides safety and security for only $99.99 + shipping and handling, processing and delivery. Call now to order yours 1-800-555-CAGE

Attack on Titan: Killing Naked Giants Can Be Fun

Since I posted about Baby Metal, I might as well keep the Japanese theme today and blog about my new favorite Anime series Attack on Titan. I'm not a huge fan of Anime as a rule. Sure I like all of the stuff we watched as kids, Robotech, Voltron, Battle of the Planets, etc, but I don't really enjoy the rest of what Anime has to offer. I heard about Attack on Titan somewhere on the internet. It's based on a very popular Manga in Japan. It sounded interesting so I gave it a try. It's currently streaming on Netflix. I'm only about have way through the series, but so far I'm really enjoying it. The story takes place in the future, with humans being forced to wall themselves inside a huge walled city to protect them from man eating giants with creepy perma-grins. The giants are super creepy. They're all naked (no genitals though), with super creepy dead eyes and disturbing grins.

They shamble slowly, with "unique" titans popping up from time to time. The "uniques" have different abilities and intelligence levels. The story revolves around a group of kids that train to defend the city from the Titans threat. It does get a little annoying from time to time, especially when the characters are screaming at each other. It's in Japanese with english subtitles, so sometimes it's hard to read and follow the on-screen action. The series has lots of twists and turns, which keeps it fun and surprising. Apparently in Japan there are video games based on the Manga version of this and a live action movie is being made. I'm sure if this gets popular enough in the U.S., a movie studio will make a terrible, watered down American version.

The Undeniable Goodness of Baby Metal

So for all those people that posted this goofy video, "thanks", now you've exposed me to the most ridiculous thing ever, that I can't stop watching. So I guess it's up to me to "Pat It Forward". There are so many reasons to hate Baby Metal. But it's so poppy and catchy, as these Japanese gals rock out, singing about chocolate. The best part is the band dressed in skeleton outfits. Or is it the choreography. Or is it the music. It's all good. God help me it's all good. Now I'm sure there is some sort of subliminal message buried in the music that will either raise the elder god Cthullu, send waves of teens to ritual suicide, or sterilize all men over twenty. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Internet Pic of My Day #1

So here's a ridiculous picture I found searching the world wide web. Hopefully it will make you laugh.

Black Angel Found in Archive

So I like to think I know stuff, about movies anyway. So it's always fun when I run across some new tidbit of forgotten movie history. I guess back when The Empire Strikes Back was released, it was paired with a short film to run before it. It ran before Empire only in Europe and Australia. I don't know why we didn't get to see it here in the U.S. It was called Black Angel and it was about a knight returning from the Crusades, who stumbles into a dark fantasy adventure. The movie was feared lost after it's theatrical run, until some archivist found a negative of it in the Universal Studios vaults. So hopefully in the near future this little gem will find it's way onto Blu-Ray or Netflix. YouTube has a couple short clips that give you an idea of the tone of the movie. It's got an Excalibur feel to it, which is pretty awesome.

I Guess I Like Cover Bands

When I say cover bands, what comes to mind? A bunch of guys, banging around with guitars and drums, trying to recreate some classic rock sound, I’d bet. Now while I’m sure there are some really bad cover bands out there, I want to talk about some good ones I’ve seen lately. Now, to be honest, I’m not a huge concert guy. I don’t really dance and I don’t like the crowds. I usually end up watching people and making fun of their concert antics. My fiancée likes to go out and do stuff and so she’s been dragging me out of my cave to do things I wouldn’t usually try. So a couple of weeks ago, I found myself walking into the State Theater in Falls Church, Virginia to see a Queen cover band. I like Queen. I have their Flash Gordon soundtrack, on record, which I got when I was a lad. Who doesn’t enjoy the Highlander soundtrack? I like all of their hits. I didn’t expect much, but I’m a good sport, so off to see Almost Queen (www.almostqueen.com) I went. And you know what, they were really, really good. I mean really good. They looked like Queen. They played like Queen. It was impressive. The guy that portrayed Freddie Mercury was tremendous. They didn’t play any songs from Highlander, but maybe when I see them AGAIN in a few weeks they’ll break off a little “Princes of the Universe” for me.

My cover band experience doesn’t end there though. Once again, here we go back to the State Theater, this time it’s a twofer, Almost Journey and 2U (www.notU2.com). Now I’m not a huge fan of U2, they’re okay; I can take them or leave them. I like some Journey songs, but probably not enough to go to a Journey show. BUT, being a good guy, I put on a smile and went along for the fun. And leave it to these guys to really turn me around. When I got to the theater, I was a little disappointed that 2U had another cover band opening for them. But little did I realize the amazing gimmick I was about to behold. Spoiler Alert: 2U and Almost Journey was the same band! It was hilarious and really, really good. Bono was Steve Perry! The Edge was Neal Schon! The drummer was not only the drummer for Almost Journey and 2U, but also for Almost Queen. The bass player made time during songs for dramatic rock poses for picture takers. The lead singer did a great job as both singers. So much so that a frenzied older lady slipped her phone number to him. It was a super fun show. They played all the hits and some deep cuts. If you get a chance to see any of these bands, you should check them out. It’s a lot cheaper than seeing the real thing and I’m sure just as much fun.

Reboot-A-Palooza

Everybody loves superhero TV shows these days. You’ve got Arrow and maybe The Flash on the CW, Agents of Shield on ABC and soon the Marvel Universe moves onto Netflix. So NBC thought to them selves “Hey, we were ahead of the curve on this whole superhero thing. Why don’t we dust off that old Heroes show and get a piece of this nerd audience?”

First off, Heroes was a piece of garbage, it just was. The Cape was better; if anybody remembers that, why not redo that one. So of course the Internet has exploded. Everywhere you turn people are whining about rebooting Heroes and not Firefly or something else they deem more deserving. Of course, now lists of shows that should be redone are popping up everywhere. Not to be outdone, I’ll jump onboard the hack express and give you my own list of shows that deserve the Lazarus treatment. I’m sure this list will look a little different than most though.

10. Small Wonder: This wouldn’t be a reboot, but a continuation of Vicki and her brother as she attempts to adjust in an ever-changing modern world, despite still being a little girl robot. With her parents now dead, it’s just Vicki and her odd, now adult brother. He has become a serial killer and uses Vicki to aid in luring in his victims. This version is just a little bit darker than the original. Hilarity ensues.

9. B.J. and the Bear: The story of a crime fighting long haul trucker and his chimp sidekick, this will be a reboot as B.J. travels the roads of a devastated U.S. after an inevitable nuclear holocaust has destroyed the country. B.J. and the Bear will bring much needed supplies to survivors, battle mutants and find love and laughs along the irradiated highways of America. Hilarity will ensue.

8. Street Hawk: If you want a superhero show NBC, buy the rights to this from ABC. Just a man fighting crime on his tricked out super motorcycle. He rides through the darkness to save YOU from the mindless violence of the city. Hilarity ensues.

7. Dukes of Hazzard: A continuation of sorts, Bo and Luke return to Hazzard County after a successful run in NASCAR. Ready to settle back into the simple country life, they are shocked to find Hazard has become a cesspool of drugs, prostitution and crime. Their “cousins” Coy and Vance have assumed control of Hazzard and rule with iron fists. Daisy is now a prostitute, Uncle Jessie is dead and Cooter works in the Wal-Mart automotive department. The series will follow Bo and Luke as they attempt to wrest control of Hazzard away from Coy and Vance. Hilarity ensues. (All credit to Brian Cousins for this one.)

6. Carnivale: Holy fuck HBO, how about you finish the show. You cancelled it after a cliffhanger and didn’t even let them make a movie to wrap it up. Keep running True Blood into the ground, but don’t bring any closure to Carnivale! How about you give ANOTHER show to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant! Rant over, hilarity ensues.

5. Firefly: Okay, I might as well put this one on here. Firefly was a fun show that FOX gave ZERO chance too. They didn’t even bother to show it in the correct order. Nathan Fillion is ratings gold (see Castle) and yet he couldn’t save the day. Friday night is well known to be the spot that FOX puts shows to die. I wish they would move DADS into that spot. Somehow, Seth McFarlane’s show DADS is still on the air. It has to be the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Oh well. Let the hilarity ensue.

4. Sledge Hammer: This show’s run ended with a nuclear bomb detonating and destroying everything. The obvious next season would have followed Sledge as he brought hilarious order back to the city. For a half hour sitcom, ABC would’ve been way ahead of the creative curve if they had kept this series going. You would have had tons of jokes about radiation sickness and birth defects. The hilarity would ensue.

3. ALF: That crazy alien from Melmac is back and this time he’s a surgeon. Through a crazy series of events, ALF finds himself being named head surgeon of a metropolitan hospital. What kind of shenanigans will occur as ALF tries to keep his identity as an alien secret and keep people alive? Hilarity ensues.

2. T.J. Hooker: First, we clone Bill Shatner, accelerate his growth in a tube and fill him with all accumulated Shatner knowledge. Next, we find Adrian Zmed, wherever he is, and bring him back as an older Vince Romano. This time he’s the older officer, breaking in the “cloned” rookie T.J. Hooker. We would play off Romano’s wariness of working with a cloned partner. He’d say things like “You’ll never match up to the real Hooker” and “Somewhere, Hooker’s rolling over in his grave.” Of course the real William Shatner will be cast as the original, now having gone insane from so much pent up anger and intensity. He will be the show’s main bad guy. Hilarity will ensue.

1. Manimal: He's a guy that turns into animals and solves crimes. This show writes itself. Hilarity ensues.

1.