Follow my adventures as I discover that there is a whole world that actually exists outside of my front door. I'll have posts about pop culture, travel, food and tons of other nonsense that will make you laugh.
Portland,
Oregon citizens turned out this morning to watch the high drama as Greenpeace activists
dangled from the St. Johns Bridge to stop a Shell icebreaker from traveling up
the Willamette River. With bridge access blocked and traffic around the area snarled, KGW8, the local NBC affiliate was on the case. The hilarious news team has been stumbling and bumbling to
cover the action. Like something out of Anchorman, they've asked ridiculous questions paired with endless speculation. The best part so far has been the footage from the river of
the gathered masses, celebrating a small victory. I believe the man in the
photo below leads them:
The protesters have forced the ship back to the dock. For the moment they have secured a small victory. I will continue to monitor for more hilarious happenings.
The
saying “Hope Springs Eternal” sums up the thoughts of every Washington Redskins
fan. Never mind the racist name and the idiot owner, we ALWAYS expect the next
season to be the big one. Today the Redskins report to training camp and the
cycle starts anew. Last night I watched ‘2014 Washington Redskins: Executive
Decision’. It was their 2014 NFL Films highlight show. I was curious, what are
the highlights of a team that goes 4-12? It turns out, there aren’t many,
because most of the show is filled with the hiring of Scot McCloughan. He was
hired after the 2014 season.
So
the best thing that happened for Washington in 2014 was hiring a new General
Manager after the season. Sadly, I agree. Unfortunately, stupid hope springs
eternal again. Just like Michael Corleone, “Just when I thought I was out, they
pull me back in”. McCloughan has a good track record. He’s helped rebuild the
San Francisco 49ers and Seattle Seahawks. He’s gone about this off-season in a
smart and reasonable manner.
But
this is the Redskins, where “winning off the field” is the priority. Upper
management (I’m looking at you Bruce Allen and Dan Snyder) will ruin it. The
team should change their name to the Ruiners, because that’s what they do. They
ruin the Fall, they ruin Sundays and they ruin my life. Well, maybe not my
life.
If
they have a crazy good season I’ll lose my mind. I’ll go back to the
Commonwealth and bask in the amazingness with my pals. But what are the chances
of that happening? It’s more likely they’ll be seven games under .500 by
Thanksgiving and I’ll find other things to do on Sundays.
Why are people hunting lions in
2015? It’s not 19th century, where the “Great White Hunter” would
kill big game so the rest of the world could see the monsters of the Dark
Continent. Stephen Hawking is busy warning us about the dangers of Artificial
Intelligence and the Terminator and we’re still-hunting big game? Are lions
rampaging and killing railroad workers like the Tsavo Man-Eaters?
No, Cecil the
lion was just being a lion, relaxing, maybe running, just existing.
Unfortunately for him a cosmetic dentist from Bloomington, Minnesota with more
money than sense decided Cecil would be his next trophy.
Walter
Palmer, our new great white hunter, loves to kill stuff. He LOVES it! You can
find lots of pictures of him posing with his kills. His killing of Cecil is
particularly tough to read because he lured him from the protected area he
lived in, shot him with an arrow, and then tracked him for 40 hours before
finishing him with a gun. Cecil was skinned and beheaded, his remains left
behind.
I
understand hunting and it’s merits. I come from a family of hunters. I don’t
have a problem with hunting as a means of population control. The people in my family
that hunt use all parts of the animal and don’t kill indiscriminately. Hunting
a lion is just unnecessary.Especially
when you lure it out of a protected wildlife park. And it’s not just lions; hunting
elephants, leopards, tigers or rhinos is just as idiotic. I’m no doctor, but I’m
pretty sure that rhino horn won’t help give you boners.
I’m
not sure what anyone can do with this guy. The most troubling thing is that he
has a history of illegal hunting tactics. He’s been pinched several times in
the past for sketchy bear hunting. He’s been fined and put on probation and he
still hasn’t learned his lesson. Or maybe he has, he’s just taken his act
overseas. Maybe we should give him back to Zimbabwe. I bet they can convince
him to change his ways.
I hope you've heard of Neal Falls. He's the alleged
serial killer who got gunned down this month. Despite having the weakest chin in America, he looks like a normal guy. He's suspected in a number of
disappearances from coast to coast. I say suspected, but they found axes,
knives, handcuffs, a shovel, bleach and other killer kit items in the trunk of
his car. He also had a list of ladies in his pocket that he was either a big
fan of, or planning to visit and then murder on his East Coast vacation. He
lived most recently in Oregon, which seems to be the spawning ground for serial
murderers. His interests, like many serial killers, were prostitutes.
The best part of his story is that his last potential
victim turned the tables on him and blasted him into oblivion. She suffered
broken vertebrae, a separated shoulder and had strangulation injuries. Despite
all of these injuries, she was able to be grab his gun and end his serial
killer ways. Unfortunately, too many news outlets are calling her "sex
worker". I don’t think the news is giving her the respect she deserves. Sex
worker might be her occupation, but "hero" is a more appropriate
title in my opinion. And besides, sex worker is so harsh. What happened to “lady
of the evening”? At least there’s an air of mystery to that.
I’ve seen a couple
of places have started to call her “Heather”. Protecting her anonymity is fine,
but let’s give her a little credit for taking care of a problem. She killed a
killer. She deserves our gratitude and possibly a reward. At least an Olive
Garden gift card.
I
have to admit to my secret shame. I guess it’s not that secret. I love watching
‘Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team’. Now, first things first, I hate
the Cowboys. I don’t think I could hate anything more, maybe child rapists,
maybe. I was raised to hate the Cowboys of course. Growing up outside of
Washington, D.C. in the 1970’s and 1980’s it was the best of times for any
Redskins fan. The ‘Skins were kicking ass, D.C. was full of crime and crack and
the Bullets were still the Bullets. Now of course times have changed. There’s
still crime, less crack, the Redskins are dreadful and the Bullets are the
Wizards. And of course we now realize that Redskins is not a term of
endearment. I’ll leave that for another post.
So
‘MTT’ as I’ll call it, because I don’t want to type out that long ass title over
and over again, has captured my T.V. viewing heart. Where else can you watch
beautiful girls, whittled down from a huge group of bright eyed go-getters, to
a much smaller group of disillusioned, self-conscious, minimum wage earners? They come from all over the south, looking for an opportunity to dance with the
most over rated group of cheerleaders since the Rancho Carne Toros.
‘MTT’
has been on forever. The other day I saw a commercial for season 10!! How can
this be? Ten seasons? A decade of this tripe! Each season it’s the same thing. Eager girls try out,
fall down, get injured, overcome, figure out it’s not gods plan, cry, cry some
more, discover some saucy pictures and maybe make the team. The whole deal is
lorded over by two former Cowboy cheerleaders who dispense pain and judgment, as if they were Pinhead and the Cenobites.
I
should hate everything about this show. And yet, I find myself captivated. I
can’t stop myself. I must watch. I’m looking forward to season 10. I’ve got my
DVR set. I hope some of them make the team.
