The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and Me

            I have to admit to my secret shame. I guess it’s not that secret. I love watching ‘Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team’. Now, first things first, I hate the Cowboys. I don’t think I could hate anything more, maybe child rapists, maybe. I was raised to hate the Cowboys of course. Growing up outside of Washington, D.C. in the 1970’s and 1980’s it was the best of times for any Redskins fan. The ‘Skins were kicking ass, D.C. was full of crime and crack and the Bullets were still the Bullets. Now of course times have changed. There’s still crime, less crack, the Redskins are dreadful and the Bullets are the Wizards. And of course we now realize that Redskins is not a term of endearment. I’ll leave that for another post.

            So ‘MTT’ as I’ll call it, because I don’t want to type out that long ass title over and over again, has captured my T.V. viewing heart. Where else can you watch beautiful girls, whittled down from a huge group of bright eyed go-getters, to a much smaller group of disillusioned, self-conscious, minimum wage earners? They come from all over the south, looking for an opportunity to dance with the most over rated group of cheerleaders since the Rancho Carne Toros.

            ‘MTT’ has been on forever. The other day I saw a commercial for season 10!! How can this be? Ten seasons? A decade of this tripe! Each season it’s the same thing. Eager girls try out, fall down, get injured, overcome, figure out it’s not gods plan, cry, cry some more, discover some saucy pictures and maybe make the team. The whole deal is lorded over by two former Cowboy cheerleaders who dispense pain and judgment, as if they were Pinhead and the Cenobites. 

            I should hate everything about this show. And yet, I find myself captivated. I can’t stop myself. I must watch. I’m looking forward to season 10. I’ve got my DVR set. I hope some of them make the team.

Hulk Hogan, You're an Idiot

            The Hulkster got caught. Whoops, I guess? He was secretly recorded on tape having sex with his buddy’s wife and oh yeah he doesn’t like African Americans so much. Idiot!! I feel bad for Hulk, because he’s become such a sad example of what he once was. ‘The Wrestler’ couldn’t have been any more spot-on. He’s grasping so hard at his former fame that he has no idea what he’s doing. He still wants to wrestle for fuck’s sake. I guess Hulk should have expected that his racist pillow talk would find it’s way into the world.

The WWE is doing whatever it can to erase Hogan from anything related to the WWE. I can’t blame them for being angry and firing him from his current role. Corporations don’t like bad P.R., especially racists.  Although, the WWE should’ve made sure the Vince McMahon/John Cena promo wherein Vince drops a N-Bomb was not readily available on the Internet.

There’s lots of legal wrangling left to come with this. The Hulkster is suing Gawker over the release of the sex tape. The contents of the tape were supposed to sealed by the court. Somebody talked. Hulk should’ve have known this would or could come out. Maybe it was too many chair shots. A lot of wrestling fans are destroyed by the news that their hero said what he said. I’ve always been lukewarm on Hogan. I always found Ric Flair, Bruiser Brody or Ricky Steamboat way more interesting. I was always annoyed how Hogan used his backstage power to determine whom he would wrestle.

Like I said, I feel bad for Hogan. He just lost a lifetime of good will he had earned, based on a private conversation, secretly video taped and released. He should have known better, he should have behaved better. But, for celebrities it’s important to remember, you can’t really trust a lot of people, so be careful which of your friend's wives you sleep with.

Police Academy vs. Lavalantula

     

     I forgot to mention while I was ranting about ‘Sharknado 3’ that the SyFy Network has a new masterpiece that it’s rolling out on July 25^th. It’s ‘Lavalantula’. That’s lava-spiders for those of you that couldn’t figure out the clever title. As if that wasn’t enough to get you to tune in, the real draw is the return of the cast of ‘Police Academy’. That’s right; Mahoney, Sgt. Callahan, Jones and Hooks are all back to fight lava-spiders. I can’t wait to see what mouth noises Michael Winslow makes to confuse the spiders. If only they were playing their ‘Police Academy’ characters. 
     Unlike ‘Sharknado 3’, I’m looking forward to ‘Lavalantula’, if for no other reason than I’m a big mark for Steve Guttenberg. How can you not love the Guttenberg? I spent a lot of my youth watching his incredible catalog of films: ‘Police Academy 1-4’, ‘Diner’, ‘Short Circuit’, ‘Cocoon’, and ‘Three Men and a Baby’. You know you’ve seen all of them. So if you’ve got absolutely nothing else to do on Saturday night, check out ‘Lavalantula’. It’s not going to be good, but you can see Guttenberg kick some fiery spider ass. That’s not the worst thing in the world. Or is it….   

'Sharknado 3' makes me feel bad

     

       I just survived ‘Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!’.  Now, I have the reputation of being a contrarian as well as having dubious taste in movies. In high school I would make my friends suffer through Italian horror films, trying to convince them they were art. I honestly enjoy ‘Congo’, ‘Krull’ and ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’. I always appreciate filmmakers who try to make good movies and end up making poo-poo. There’s nobility in their failure. There’s nothing noble in ‘Sharknado 3’.

            I get the joke. The whole thing is a joke. I get it. But how about trying to make something with a plot. Some semblance of a plot is all I ask. It doesn’t have to be good or make a lot of sense. ‘Sharknado 3’ is only interesting as a scavenger hunt to identify all of the celebrity cameos. The SyFy Channel is going to run this cheap to produce, one joke monstrosity into the ground. With part four imminent, what else is left to see? Will we meet an intelligent shark scientist that’s behind all the storms? Is it Cobra’s weather dominator, run amuck again? Is there anything really behind the storms or is it global warming? Have I already spent more time coming up with plot ideas than the producers and writers? I can only speculate the answer is “yes”.

            For some reason I feel bad for Roger Corman. He’s had a great career. He’s spawned lots of successful writers, directors and producers. He’s still churning out his level of cheap to produce monster movies. I’m sure the superior ‘Sharktopus’ is doing well for him. I wish if any one had reaped the reward for hastily produced monster-schlock, it had been him.

 Creative moviemakers are working hard everyday, putting in time and money, trying to get their films seen. They don’t use CGI and they don’t have D-list celebrities. They’re limited by talent sometimes and almost always by budget, but they do the best they can to make the best film they can. And yet, they almost never get the publicity or viewership that ‘Sharknado’ receives. I love genre films of all kinds. It’s great that SyFy gives them a platform to be seen. But holy shit, how about you up the effort a little bit. That’s all I ask.

Now I’m off to watch ‘Nightmare City’ to get this rotten shark taste outta my mouth!

Phantasm V: Ravager

Phantasm V: Ravager is actually a reality. Does the world need another Phantasm film, probably not, but I'm going to watch it. When Phantasm premiered in 1979, it was a weird, creepy, indy horror movie that earned a much deserved following. I used to catch Phantasm, late night on Creature Feature hosted by Count Gore De Vol. If you grew up in and around Washington D.C. you know all about Creature Feature. By the time I got to junior high school, I had gathered a motley crew of pals that lived for horror movies and read Fangoria and Gore Zone religiously. So it was with much anticipation that we greeted Phantasm 2. It was an important moment in our young lives when Reggie Bannister put two shotguns together, cut the barrels, and blasted the evil little jawa's the Tall Man unleashed. While the first two installments are probably the best of the series, the rest of the installments are important to fill out the mythology of the Tall Man. The trailer for part five looks as crazy as ever. Reggie is still there, ready to kick major weirdo ass as usual. So, for your viewing pleasure, Phantasm V: Ravager:

Heroes in a Half-Shell, Turtle Power?

This doesn't look good. It can't possibly be anything but shit with Michael Bay attached. But I liked the body builder, Marky Mark movie, so maybe he can do something with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? You decide:

The Iron Sheik

The Iron Sheik is amazing. His life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. He made Hulk Hogan the hero that took over wrestling. He has perhaps the greatest Twitter account out there (@the_ironsheik). And now a documentary about his life is on the horizon. Make sure you find it and watch it!